Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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