I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
