can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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