i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
