tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
