Cold hands, warm shart.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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