Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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