end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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