You're completely useless in the revolution.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
ttyl tear gas
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
