I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
