tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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