You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
