I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
