Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
