Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
