He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
