I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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