He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
