So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
