I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
why do cheetos always look like penises
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All the doctor said was why
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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