i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
