Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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