Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Are we still banned from the library?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
