i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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