Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
