Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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