So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Im part way to drunk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
