totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
