My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
smell my finger.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Randomize
