He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
