Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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