mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
