Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
