Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
COCAINE IS GR8
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
