Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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