They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
