Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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