I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
