I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Randomize
