My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
