When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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