Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
