so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
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She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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