I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think your dad took our porno
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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