You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
