So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
