You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
