Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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