a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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