i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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