she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
