Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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