First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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