I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
