There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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