In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
