My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
