wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
