Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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