I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
